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| i drove in the early morning haze, bleary eyed. little rustling of a child in the backseat, some headlights grazing my face, and my traditional radio station playing softly. then i hear those oh so important words, "it's a new day to be alive" the announcer proclaims. how painfully right he is... i remember this day. it is my ebeneezer of sorts; a turning point in my life. like almost everyone, days like today are days we'd like to forget, but strive to remember. days in which we cannot deny being lost and yet.. we long to be found. bittersweet days. for me, a secret kind of day. a dark day... a day which ended in a blaze of victorious surrender. each year on this day, i have no place to go and speak to my friend... no grave to lay the flowers. i can only remember her in my heart. and it sounds trite to say that, but that's how it is. i remember who she was... a wildheart, generous, unique, worshipful, spirit-led. she was a drum-playing, candle-vigil-holding, tye-dye wearing, burkenstock footed, spontaneous, mysterious friend. and i very much looked up to her. and on that night of extraordinary circumstances, intense despair lay within my very own soul and you could actually look at my diary and find an entry that looked very much like a person who would take her own life that very night. but my path would be quite changed so suddenly after that entry when my friend lovingly and adventurously took my arm and pulled me into the november coldness to watch and wonder at the kansas skies falling all around. and the group of us girls that laughed until our guts ached... those girls will forever be kindred to me. we dug into the deepest, richest earth of conversation and theory and discovered jewels for ourselves... each of us, something different and meaningful. and after years of searching for some kind of comfort from that night, i come closer to being with my friend and all of my dear ones who are "falling down in awe" (as i believe those were her own words that night)... last night in mid- sleepiness, i awoke to go check on the lock to the door. i thought, while i'm at it i'll get the shoes from my doorstep and bring them in so spiders don't get in them. i opened the front door and i hear a rustling very close by in our yard. large footprints coming my way. my heart stops... it's a person? no... there, looking at me from feet away was a deer and i step back stumbling and the deer leaps away, white flank bounding in the moonlight. and so it was that night 10 years ago when a group of deer stood by the side of the road and watched my friend and i race from the car to chase them, like a couple of weird-os... but we were free weird-os. i could write a thousand things about that one night alone. many things sad... many things glorious... some things i will never write. but i share, because i can't help myself. i share because if you search, like me, for meaning in it all; if there's something deep in the recesses of your mind and heart, you'll know that God sends His messages. i have been turning this way and that to avoid such messages for years. but i've grown weary of pretending i'm not a child inside... that i don't wonder at all that has been, all that is, all that might be. and i ache to remember her. i yearn to rise to the excitement that is waiting for me if i'd only jump out of the car and chase the deer. pick the flowers and embrace that friend. ... whatever it is that reminds me that i am truly alive... truly. i will never forget the future that awaits. and how much i crave the wedding banquet, seated next to my Lord. seated with all of His loved ones. gazing at His scars. holding to His dreams for us. dressed in the finest clothes ever seen. dancing more dances than have ever been danced. touching the rays of light that gleam from His crown. laughing and enjoying more lives than can ever be imagined. feeling with more senses than can ever be felt. | | |
| Source: www.storycorps.org | | |
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expressions. it's starting to be fun to parent... not that newborns aren't cute, it's just that a smile that says, "i'm smiling at you because i see you and acknowledge you're here, not because i'm having a bowel movement" is so much nicer to handle day after day. 
 he's finally starting to put on some weight. he's still not a chunk by any means... but, it's progress.
yeah north carolina! it was nice to enjoy some family time. plus, really can't beat the mountains there in the spring. ahhh... 
joel is already learning the tech-lingo from his dad. | | |
|  the boy is able to sleep like this... i just wish he'd sleep a little more..
 ok, so taking a bath is something Joel seems to like... that is, until he has to come out of the water. and oh my goodness, babies are so slippery when wet! not to mention they have little bobble heads that i have to keep in check So, about grandmas... they seem to have the magical touch. i'm thinking of kidnapping them and keeping them around until, oh, say age 3 1/2...  
So here i am, listening to the primitive cry of a 5 week old. wondering if what everybody says is true: *it gets easier so yeah, i'm hoping so. because, as my friend said it, "if newborns acted like newborns for much longer than they do now, we'd all be dead..." well, i know that sounds horrible, but it's kinda true. i sometimes wake in the middle of the night (or morning or whatever) to his piercing scream and think, "i don't know if i can do this... i feel amazingly bad right now. like i could just run out of the house and never come back..." and then sometimes i feel, "oh God, you're so amazing to create such a fragile and precious thing such as this. i want to treasure this moment forever..." but yeah, when i've been trying to put the little man to sleep after being awake all day, and then it's 2 in the morning and i've fed him, changed him, burped him, prepared for the next feeding, and said millions of prayers over him... and he's slumbering peacefully... i gently put him down in his crib and i cringe as a train blasts by our house so much it shakes the wall hangings ... but wait, he's still asleep! i thank the Lord. then, as i turn to leave the room, i step on a quiet little creaky board and bam, he's jolted out of sleep like a crazy man, and wails for the next hour. then it's time to feed him again and start all over. i mean, it's moments like these that i am reminded that i am indeed, a sinful creature. sinful actions, sinful thoughts, sinful. just like that, i can have all sorts of mad words running through my mind. as jon put it the other day, " humans are the only creatures on earth that require rearing for like... 18 years... horses come out and they're standing and eating and moving independently around in hours." just about every animal i can think of needs only occasional help. and then boom, they're out on their own. all i can say is, i really am living on the prayers of the merciful. thanks for praying people.  here we are, two years of marriage and still crazy about each other!
 family... the word has new meaning now. yes, sometimes he does sleep. i have to remind myself!
 somebody doesn't like socks..
 woah, i'm a "mommy..." weird.
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|  here we are! a first family photo... hey, it's not glamorous, but it's us!
 look at that hair!
 getting ready to stretch out his lungs...
 daddy!
 joel jacob gearing 7 bs 5 oz 20 inches
born march 31st at 11:33 am at grady hospital atlanta, ga  cute!
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